No Place Like London

I have sailed the world, beheld its wonders
From the dardanelles
To the mountains of peru
But there's no place like london!
I feel home again
I could hear the city bells
Ring whatever i would do
No, there's no pl
No, there's no place like london.

(surprised at the interruption)
Mr. Todd, sir?

You are young
Life has been kind to you
You will learn
(they step out of the boat, music under)
So, anthony, it's here we go our several ways. Farewell, i will not soon forget the good ship bountiful nor the young man who saved nay life.

(a ragged beggar woman suddenly appears)
(approaching, holding out bowl to anthony)
Alms!. .. Alms! ...
For a miserable woman
On a miserable chilly morning.. .
(anthony drops a coin in her bowl)

Thank yer, sir, thank yer.

(softly, suddenly leering in a mad way)
'Ow would you like a little squiff, dear
A little jig jig
A little bounce around the bush?
Wouldn't you like to push me crumpet?
It looks to me, dear
Like you got plenty there to push.

(she grabs at him. As anthony starts back in embarrassment, she turns instantly and pathetically to todd, who tries to keep his back to her)
Alms! ... Alms! .. .
For a pitiful woman
Wot's got wanderin' wits ...
Hey, don't i know you, mister?
(she peers intently at him)

Must you glare at me, woman? Off with you, off, i say!

(smiling vacantly)
Then 'ow would you like to fish me squiff, mister?
We'll go jig jig, a little.

(making a gesture as if to strike her)
Off, i said. To the devil with you!

(she scuttles away, turns to give him a piercing look, then wanders off)
(singing as she goes)
Alms!. .. Alms! ...
For a desperate woman ...

(a little bewildered)
Pardon me, sir, but there's no need to fear the likes of her. She was only a half-crazed beggar woman. London's full of them.

There's a hole in the world
Like a great black pit
And the vermin of the world
Inhabit it
And its morals aren't worth
What a pig could spit
And it goes by the name of london.

At the top of the hole
Sit the privileged few
Making mock of the vermin
In the lower zoo
Turning beauty into filth and greed
I too
Have sailed the world and seen its wonders
For the cruelty of men
Is as wondrous as peru
But there's no place like london!